Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Finding solace in her smile

She smiled at me from across the hall. Her hand tangled into his. Her head leaning against his shoulder. Had this party been a few weeks back she would be here, dancing with me. But today, things are different. Today, I don't get to hear crazy remarks about every single person in the room. I don't hear her abusing each guy that checks her out. All I see is her beautiful smile. All I see is the way her eyes brighten when he whispers in her ear. I see the way she gets shy around him. I watch her excitement when she tells others about him. And I watch her stealing looks when he tells his friends about her.

I remember the first time she told me she liked him. I remember how they spoke for hours and how she would call me immediately after, to tell me what he said. I remember how I could sense her blushing by the way she spoke about him. When they went on their first date, I remember her nervousness. I remember how she complained that she had laughed a little too much and spoke a little too less. I remember her whine that he didn't compliment her dress and she probably ruined their date. But when he called her that night to tell her he knew she was nervous and he was too, I remember her delight to know he understood. When me and her met him the next day, I remember noticing the way he subtly complimented her every second, and how she finally realized it. I remember my happiness when they said I was the first to know about them. I remember him promising me not to hurt her. I remember her leaving my hand to hold his. I remember feeling my heart crush at that second.

But I love the way she's so happy when she's with him. I've known all sides to her, but this one amazed me. Her restless soul suddenly seemed at peace in his arms. Her words, more beautiful. Her voice, more sweet. Her colors, more bright. I don't know if it was him, or the feeling of being in love. But whatever it was, it was doing miracles on her. I don't know if I should be happy, or worry that losing him might break her. If ever, God forbid, all this be taken away from her, would she be able to stand back up again?!

Suddenly, the fear of losing her overwhelms me. Already having to share her time has ruined me. But losing her?! Watching her breakdown?! Will I be able to forgive myself for just standing by while it happened?!

Not that I don't trust him. He is her choice, after all. And I trust her choices. But that's the thing about fear, it's never going to let happiness shine alone. It creeps into your mind like the moon peeps in mid sunset. It works like gravity and is always going to pull you down. But the only way is to go against it and find a way out of this loop of "what if"s and let fate do its thing.

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