Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Catastrophe

Have you ever worried about your words dying with you?
Have you worried that the thoughts in your head will be the end of you?
Have you worried that loss of your soul won't leave a scar on the universe?
Have you ever felt so disconnected from the world that even the heaviest storms don't seem to wet your skin?
Have you ever felt so weak that your own skin weighed you down?
Have you ever gotten so frustrated that you want to tear off your skin?
Have you ever been so sick of the path of your life that you're desperate to try anything to make a difference?
Have you ever wished for a catastrophe?


The sky is a different blue tonight. The stars seem to shine bright despite the over-lit streets. The air stinks optimism and the litter on the roads spell creativity. It feels like the entire universe is begging for a new start, and so am I. It's time I overcome this resistance of my soul. It's time I start building a road for myself. It's time I start fulfilling my duty to the universe.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Welcoming 2015 with the stars

Full moon - the crescent
Tyre swings - coloured swing sets
First dates -empty seats
Love in the air - love in pages of old books
First fights - fresh tears
First make up party - first breakup
Too many to enjoy - nobody to cry
Daily hangouts - yearly visits
Sunrises - sunsets.

Long distance - inside jokes
Reduced phone calls -  increased selfies
Pages filled with tears - memories strung into words
Lonely nights -  long late night walks
Fights and tears - taunts and giggles.
Stolen nutella - stolen kisses
The crescent - full moon.

I clearly remember her tell me, "Life gets weirder by the day," while all these flashed through my mind. But that's what new year is about; accepting change, expecting more. And tonight as I look up at the stars, I can almost see them giggling back at me saying "you only think you know what's going on, darling!"

Friday, October 17, 2014

When the Sky cries...

It's rains like these that intrigue me. The middle-of-nowhere kind. The kind that come at the end of a long day. A day filled with you trying not to hurt the ones that care and trying not to care for the ones that hurt you. When your mind is screaming and you're trying not to explode. The words in your head are trying to pour but you're afraid of losing a part of you with them. You're trying to put your thoughts together but the pieces just don't fit. You feel like the debris after a disaster and you're frantically searching for something worthwhile.
Then when you finally find yourself some time alone, the sky decides to open up. You get the perfect opportunity to watch the beautiful rain. Nobody telling you what to do and what not to. Nobody to bother your flow of thoughts. Nobody to ruin this for you. The rain continues, in more strength than before. It's almost like he's trying hard to tell you something but you just can't decipher. He has a story that no one seems  to listen, and those listening don't seem to understand. He has a lot to teach us. He shows us that you should share joy and brighten lives, but you'll find your stars only in the darkness. But the biggest lesson he teaches us is that it's okay to break down sometimes. It's okay to let go, and stop faking like everything's fine. It's okay to break free of the self-created bonds and try to discover yourself.


So today if you're broken, frustrated, lost, confused, or all of them, just look up! And try listening to the sky. Try taking in what he has to tell you, because remember, your world may seem like it's falling apart and everything around you may have changed, the sky is the only thing that's still the same!

Sunday, October 5, 2014

My Soul Keeper

There's a phase between happy and sad, a feeling of neutrality. A time when you're immune to emotions. Your mouth speaks words your soul doesn't mean. A void gets created in you because your feelings define you. You feel nothing but empty. You're searching for a way to complete the thoughts in your head. You're searching for the switch that will make you feel like YOU again.

When you reach such a stage, you forget your goals, you lose your way. You feel so broken you don't know how to fit yourself together again.

I had been through such a stage around a year ago. It was devastating! I, a girl filled with dreams, didn't know what I wanted anymore. I was shutting out friends who really cared in the fear of being betrayed again. I forgot the little things that defined my world. I felt my words slowly slip out of my blood.

That's when I met someone.

I met him through a mutual friend and honestly, that day I ignored him. I was there because I was forced to and I had no interest in making new friends. I don't know when time went by, and "hi-hello" changed to taunts and teases. I soon realized how misguiding our first conversation was. We had so much in common that we completed each other's sentences.

Yes, it was love. But a different level of it. To me, he is a brother that recognizes my every flaw and knows how much I try to hide them. He knows my past and I know his. And he knows enough not to untie my scars. I can use no words and he will still know what's on my mind. He knows when to advice and when to just hold my hand till I find myself. He can tell from my eyes when my old demons are trying to rise, and he knows exactly how to silence them. With him, I have no fear, because I'm a kid again.  There are no expectations, no demands. There's no name to keep up to. There's just an infinite invisible bond, that many tend to misunderstand. But we know, that it won't break till the end of time.

His entry into my story has made me realize that sometimes it takes a broken soul to fix another. It takes two broken pieces to make a whole. People don't always walk into your life to walk out of it. Sometimes they walk in to remind you who you are and they stay to make sure you don't forget it. Sometimes it's okay to be broken because sometimes you need to be shattered to shine brighter than before.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Love hurts.

He said, "it will get better. It will make life more beautiful."I believed him. So I closed my eyes and let myself go. I let myself feel. The emotions engulfed me. The pain was exhilarating. "I know it hurts but don't resist it." He made it seem like the best feeling ever. He made me believe there was no getting better than this. I learnt to accept it. I learnt to love it. I learnt to live with it. And never once I thought I'd have to feel it without his hand in mine.
But now that he's gone, I don't know what to do. These emotions are overwhelming. He showed me how to feel,not to stop. This pain is taking over me and I can feel nothing but. And without him, it doesn't even seem worth it.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Finding solace in her smile

She smiled at me from across the hall. Her hand tangled into his. Her head leaning against his shoulder. Had this party been a few weeks back she would be here, dancing with me. But today, things are different. Today, I don't get to hear crazy remarks about every single person in the room. I don't hear her abusing each guy that checks her out. All I see is her beautiful smile. All I see is the way her eyes brighten when he whispers in her ear. I see the way she gets shy around him. I watch her excitement when she tells others about him. And I watch her stealing looks when he tells his friends about her.

I remember the first time she told me she liked him. I remember how they spoke for hours and how she would call me immediately after, to tell me what he said. I remember how I could sense her blushing by the way she spoke about him. When they went on their first date, I remember her nervousness. I remember how she complained that she had laughed a little too much and spoke a little too less. I remember her whine that he didn't compliment her dress and she probably ruined their date. But when he called her that night to tell her he knew she was nervous and he was too, I remember her delight to know he understood. When me and her met him the next day, I remember noticing the way he subtly complimented her every second, and how she finally realized it. I remember my happiness when they said I was the first to know about them. I remember him promising me not to hurt her. I remember her leaving my hand to hold his. I remember feeling my heart crush at that second.

But I love the way she's so happy when she's with him. I've known all sides to her, but this one amazed me. Her restless soul suddenly seemed at peace in his arms. Her words, more beautiful. Her voice, more sweet. Her colors, more bright. I don't know if it was him, or the feeling of being in love. But whatever it was, it was doing miracles on her. I don't know if I should be happy, or worry that losing him might break her. If ever, God forbid, all this be taken away from her, would she be able to stand back up again?!

Suddenly, the fear of losing her overwhelms me. Already having to share her time has ruined me. But losing her?! Watching her breakdown?! Will I be able to forgive myself for just standing by while it happened?!

Not that I don't trust him. He is her choice, after all. And I trust her choices. But that's the thing about fear, it's never going to let happiness shine alone. It creeps into your mind like the moon peeps in mid sunset. It works like gravity and is always going to pull you down. But the only way is to go against it and find a way out of this loop of "what if"s and let fate do its thing.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

My words finally found their way out...

 The sky tells me it's almost dawn. My friends living in my phone are screaming at me to sleep. I think my body is begging for sleep too. But I'm too amazed at this silence in my head. There has been this continuous battle between my words and my soul lately. The words want to flow but my soul restricts it. These words have infinite stories to tell, but the soul doesn't like reading. These words tuned itself into songs, but my soul gave up on music.
But tonight, its different. It's quiet in here. Tonight my soul is too broken to fight, and these words are taking advantage. They've found their escape portal, and they want to be heard before this war reignites.

I've read that the mind is a complex maze, and trying to solve it will take you to your deathbed. Some days you believe you have cracked this code but soon, you'll find yourself lost again. I thought I had reached at a settlement with mine. But then I was told my reality wasn't real. Apparently, I was writing a story and the characters didn't really exist. Apparently, I had involved myself so much into my work, I mixed fiction with reality. And apparently, the people I was writing for, weren't too keen about the story. Everything is falling onto me now. This is a weight that my soul can't handle. How much did I miss out in life while living this dream? How much more will I miss trying to heal this broken heart and crushed soul?
I feel another storm swirling in. This time my soul is resisting itself. It's searching for ways to push off the weight. It's searching for ways to feel numb. It's searching for a way to escape this pain through these words. But the words fail. The pain remains. The storm continues.